<p>However, I can&#8217;t think of what else to call these changes in law enforcement and government surveillance. The <span class="caps">FBI</span> is going to be allowed to go to any public gathering to &#8220;look for signs of terrorism.&#8221; And although the administration is promising that this increased surveillance will only be used to fight terrorism, that can change at any time. Also, I question how we know that the <span class="caps">FBI</span> isn&#8217;t moving back towards the J. Edgar Hoover days when they had files on most citizens.</p>

<p>Do these changes bother anyone else? Do cameras in public places used by law enforcement go too far in monitoring our society? Does the fact that the <span class="caps">FBI</span> will be able to access commercial databases whether they have a case based need bother anyone else? Or is this all necessary if we want to be safe from terrorism?</p>

<p>I&#8217;m sure you all can guess where I stand.</p> 

<p>it seems to me that part of this is that people have been discovering and utilizing the diaries more and more.</p>

<p>this isn&#8217;t a bad thing, but i thought i&#8217;d try to take a moment to clarify what my original intentions were for the different sections. i loathe playing dictator so please don&#8217;t take this as a mandate; just suggestions. </p>

<p>in my eyes, the diaries are a place to post things that are probably only interesting to people who specifically care about you and are curious what you&#8217;re up to. i added the section   because i wanted somewhere to post mundane stuff without cluttering the front page.</p>

<p>anything that may be interesting to a wider audience or is likely to spark a good discussion  should go on the front page where it will get seen by more people with less effort. eg, jP&#8217;s recent <a href="node.pl?nid=3576">analog</a> post and tuck&#8217;s ongoing series on martial arts and mental states and their relationship are the kinds of things that i would envision going on the front page. </p>

<p>it&#8217;s a fuzzy distinction sometimes. the acid test i&#8217;ve been using is that something goes to the front-page if i can really give it any topical keywords other than &#8216;the uneventful life of anders&#8217;. </p>

<p>just knowing that people are using the site, posting things and reading is enough to warm my insides, so don&#8217;t feel bad if you prefer to keep stuff off in your diary. </p>

<p>i find the intricacies of how online communities like this grow and evolve and interact with the tools infinitely fascinating. so i&#8217;m curious: how does the feature-set and design of the tools that thraxil provides influence how we interact with and communicate with each other? how do you think the thraxil community has reacted to and changed with the addition of new features like diaries, bookmarks, images, keywords, or threaded comments?</p> 

<p>afterwards one of my coworkers mentioned that he was going to a bar on 105th and columbus ave called &#8216;ding dong&#8217; that he said was a punk bar and invited a few of us to come along. so we did and sure enough, a mere two blocks from my apartment is a little hole-in-the-wall type place (although it&#8217;s actually fairly spacious on the inside) that plays punk rock, and has walls covered with graffiti and U.K. Subs, Exploited, and Mot&ouml;rhead posters. </p>

<p>so i&#8217;m ecstatic about the discovery but i must hang my head in shame for living here so long and never noticing it (to be fair, it isn&#8217;t exactly very distinctive from the outside).</p> 

<p>Telnet/SSH Access</p>

<p><span class="caps">CGI</span>-Bin, Perl 5.005    </p>

<p>ChiliSoft <span class="caps">ASP</span>  </p>

<p><span class="caps">PHP</span> 3  </p>

<p><span class="caps">PHP</span> 4  </p>

<p>Server Side Includes (.shtml)</p>

<p>MySQL 3.23   </p>

<p>InterBase 6 <span class="caps">SQL</span>    </p>

<p>Postgres <span class="caps">SQL</span></p> 

<p>since as long as I can remember, I&#8217;ve been the 29th century digital kid. the first time I thought about the functionality of the human body as a 6 year old kid, I decided robots were way better, because all that circutry garanteed functionality without all that mushy messy stuff maybe going rotten or not working right. it just always seems that digital/electronic was cleaner, more permanent, and more consistent than anything maleable. chemical. analog. digital was the way to go.</p>

<p>this carried over in all sorts of ways that are really kinda funny for me to look back on. little ways, like the fact that I&#8217;ve never owned a tape, ever (went straight to CDs when I was in 7th grade). or that I&#8217;ve never owned, nor do I really know how to read analog timepieces (the hands always confuse me. the ones with no numbers on the faces &#8211; forget it). but bigger ways too. I hate driving, because it&#8217;s an analog process. you start, there&#8217;s all this intermediate time, and then you&#8217;re there. I hated that. e-mail became my instant addiction as soon as I started using it, because it was sent and then immediately recieved, with no real fuzz in between. digital. I always hated sending real letters and packages, cause it was always such a process. and even in interpersonal matters, I was able to separate my emotions into black and white and place myself on one side or the other for any situation. things like getting heartbroken for the first time threw me for a loop, because there was how I felt, how I needed to feel to move on, and there was this crappy transition that drove me nuts. waiting to move towards some emotional state end point that I could already appreciate and anticipate, yet somehow had to wait through some uninfluenced grey area in between was agony. worse than the distress of the actual situation. wierd, right? </p>

<p>my whole thought process was always represented in polarized opposites; here/there, like/dislike, accept/reject, need/discard, what have you. similarly, my approach to problems has always been extremely goal-oriented. some would call this a male trait, but after alot of thought (and realizing that my thought process is essentially female by modern psychological standards), I don&#8217;t really agree with this. I think it&#8217;s more a function of my binary thought process, rather than some Y-chromo function. the goal/endpoint/extremity obsession came from the idea that things were cleaner, simpler, better when they were on or off, black or white, up or down. homework was either not started or finished. a bill was paid in full or it wasn&#8217;t at all. a dispute was settled or untouched. I either loved someone or didn&#8217;t. I was, in effect, not only trying to be a robot (29th C Digital Boy =29CDB), but I wanted to world within my grasp to be streamlined into an optimized environment of binary switches. transitions take time, and waiting is inefficient. therefore, if something is either here or there, it&#8217;s defined, solved, known. if something is in flux, who the hell knows what&#8217;s really going on.</p>

<p>the strangest part of all this was how much it played into things with other people. I&#8217;ve been admired and cursed for being able to polarize my emotions so easily. if I got dumped, I&#8217;d slam the toggle over from romantic to platonic, or in one case, from love to detest. and my entire interaction would change with the person. just like that. if something was amiss in a relationship with a friend or significant other, I&#8217;d want to sit down and hash it out right there and then, in its entirety, untill something was defined that gave resolution and a future direction to whatever had gone awry. and it played into other stuff too. </p>

<p>you can see how this could drive someone insane. but somehow it didn&#8217;t. I really lived like this. for decades. </p>

<p>I think it all started with mark. </p>

<p>he&#8217;s been the analog boy (AB) for years. and to my 29CDB self, this was kinda upsetting. now, mark and I share many, many interests, get along well, and look way too similar for comfort. but this one area really separated us. on the superficial level, I was all minidiscs and CDs, whereas he was in love with tapes and vinyl. I use photoshop, he&#8217;s into stencil art. etc etc. but on a deeper level, I bear the unmistakable mark of the 29CDB, in that I&#8217;ve always been concerned with keeping things on one side of the fence, or the other. whereas his sheep are all in some constant state of floating back and forth, sitting on the fence, sneaking under it, etc etc. it always seems like things in his ballpark are all in progress, whereas the exact same things in my realm where either completely explored or not at all. </p>

<p>then I bought a record. seemed innocent enough. I mean, come on. it was the 1977 pressing of music from star wars, by the fucking electric moog orchestra. how could I help it? </p>

<p>he pounced. gave me his old turntable, opened me up to that wild world of hurt that is analog music. and I took it all, hook, line and sinker. I&#8217;m in love with the shit now. and while I&#8217;ve always loved music, and records are wonderful, as silly as it sounds this minor change threw alot of things into the grinder for me. let&#8217;s take records as a metaphor everything about life. consider first that I used to be a CD-based organism. zero seek time, identical results every time the same track is played, a degree of permanence to everything. now look at records: every single one out there is different. two things that are supposed to be the same aren&#8217;t. furthermore, everytime it&#8217;s used, it gives a different result. furthermore, it&#8217;s manipulatable. with CDs, you play a song, it starts, it ends, you listen in between. with records, speed them up, slow them down, spin them backwards, skratch them up, whatever. it&#8217;s the in between that&#8217;s the interactive part. </p>

<p>so I&#8217;ve been taking apart things in my life, one by one, and making them analog. this idea that things must be hither or yon in any number of respects has got to go. I&#8217;m teaching myself how to enjoy the trip. sometimes, the ends are nice, but the means aren&#8217;t by definition a pain in the ass (even if they are). and the ideas of permanence and gratification based on instant completion of an objective are equally confounding to an analog thought process. things change, things slow down and stop without reaching the end, and that&#8217;s all part of the game. </p>

<p>these aren&#8217;t mutually exclusive ideas, they&#8217;re two parallel ways to describe the same medium. again, like music. same shit, different approach. such is my life. formerly a pure digital stream, now seeking definition in an analog mode. I&#8217;m pulling my own plug in different situations to test if I&#8217;ll merely stop the needle in the track, and pick it back up when I&#8217;m ready, or if I&#8217;ll kill power to the system and have to cold boot and start over. somethings in my life are better served by a digital process, but for the first time I&#8217;m appreciating that some things are best enjoyed as analog. it&#8217;s integration, not replacement. </p>

<p>there&#8217;s only digital/analog converters I know of. I&#8217;m curious to see what type of music a digital/analog hybrid will makes. </p>

<p>we&#8217;ll see.</p> 

<p>(end talking to god phase)</p> 

<p>Ya, moving, soon, I hope, my web hosting. I&#8217;ve had a wonderful time with my support team,but it is time to become the total control freak that I am. I found a place, just a little place off the beaten track (<a href="http://www.ntidesign.com/cobaltspecial.php"></p>

<p>http://www.ntidesign.com/</a>) that will mean that I can do what I want without causing any problems, which I don&#8217;t want to do any more than necessary. But it is usually necessary&#8230; And necessity is the Mothers of Invention [sic].</p>

<p>And the goal: to <span class="caps">THRAXILATE</span>!</p>

<p>Existence is Purile!</p>

<p>You will be misthraxilated.</p> 

<p>It is nice. The screen looks better, less fuzziness. More crisp if possible. It does some slightly strange things to thraxil, but you don&#8217;t need to know that&#8230; I&#8217;m using <span class="caps">SOX</span>, which is a Mac implimentation for dyslexics. But it&#8217;s <span class="caps">NOT</span> <span class="caps">OATMEAL</span>! The only thing that I think will keep me from using it regularly is that it wants to register me. I don&#8217;t like it. But I guess I could change my name to Mille Thraxil or something.</p> 

<p>anyway, more proof that mixing things up into a bag (or large chemical mixer) can sometimes yield great discoveries because chance is often better at it than i am.  (you just have to take the right chances, maximize probability that is, or be willing to wait -> infinity&#8230;there&#8217;s the rub.)  i discovered that a layer of tobacco had crusted over the the lip of my lip gloss.  i was going to wipe it off and make a grossed out face&#8230;but 180&#8217;d and decided that fate was telling me something.  [a sweet, sweet whisper]  so i decided to rub it into the gloss instead.  i don&#8217;t know if my aromatic neurotoxin of choice will eventually seep out into the gloss, but at least it got me on the right track.  </p>

<p>project #458a2: try to extract nicotine from tobacco leaves or snuff and suspend in reconstituted lip gloss.  (it can be a &#8220;demonstration&#8221; for the summer students&#8230;what! it worked for yura and the .25M falcon tube of crystallized caffeine he keeps in his desk)</p>

<p>(oh yeah)</p>

<p>project #459b9: experiment with conductive ink pen available from radio shack to see if we can draw circuitry on our bodies.  (i volunteered yura as guinea pig&#8230;hmm&#8230;wait&#8230;another use for summer students!)</p> 

<p>Part Four covered the how and why behind studying in china.  now ill discuss the important and controversial reason why the study involves nose knowing (i.e. why my nose is now more crooked than it was before).   reintroduced at the very end of part four was the smell of smeared grass which represents the sometimes unforgiving but always genuine physical experience itself.  now, here, im forcing myself into a physically experiential situation where the mental state in question, <span class="caps">SAM</span>, is required to manifest.   yes, there are other was of exploring these things. no, they cant substitute for my work here.  no, it isnt merely studying one of those chinese  things which carry a requirement of psychophysical unity. yes, it has to be fighting.  yes, of course i can tell you why.  </p>

<p>there are three main reasons why the fighting approach is irreplaceable:</p>

<p>first, the reality and threat of full-contact creates a situation unable to be duplicated in other training atmospheres. my very first response to the consideration of  a  total absence of self under full contact or life threatening circumstances was that:  if i dont perceive anything because my self is absent, then id have no self-care, no will to survive. without my self or my me wanting to resist death or loss, how could i possibly live or win?  thats the real crux of the phenomenon in this arena:  you do survive. in fact, thanks to <span class="caps">SAM</span>, your chances are better at surviving while in <span class="caps">LRC</span> for all the reasons previously mentioned: the lack of both emotion and controlled conscious thought provide a mental state allowing for heightened physical capability.  when the <span class="caps">LRC</span> does take over under circumstances of explosive, violent action, its a serious achievement bordering on the mystical and it indicates a degree of ability unable to be explored in meditation rooms with incense or while doing tai chi in the park. </p>

<p>the second  reason why this approach is important is because it involves a direct antagonist.  unlike other methods of sinking into <span class="caps">LRC</span> (from target shooting to yoga), in a fight, as mentioned in reason-one above, there is the threat of violence and harm, but, in addition to causing harm, the killer/assailant/opponent (cool, new acronym: <span class="caps">KAO</span>, pronounced &#8220;cow&#8221;, now to be written that way) is also specifically trying to prevent you from being able to obtain that silent fluidity.  unfortunately, losing your self doesnt happen the instant you step on the platform. it happens completely unannounced and unacknowledged (because your self is not there to regard it happening) and usually in phases, if it happens at all.  as mentioned, even under agreeable circumstances, this level of refined consciousness is elusive. but now, there&#8217;s actually someone trying specifically to render you unable to <span class="caps">SAM</span>ize by getting you riled-up, and otherwise emotionally involved.  the <span class="caps">COW</span> (kill me now before it starts, please) is doing whatever it can to get the psychological advantage in the confrontation before attempting to grind you into hamburger. but youre utterly confident (oh god&#8230;it would behoove you to stop reading now);  you know that if you can just shift into <span class="caps">LRC</span>, you won&#8217;t be subject to their cowardly attempts, and, that physically, by milking the benefits of <span class="caps">SAM</span>, your chances of winning (surviving) are good. but, you also know that if you consciously wait for a shift to happen, it never will.  if you want it to happen, it wont. if you <span class="caps">NEED</span> it to happen, it still wont happen. and then </p>

                ********////BAM!\\\\**********

<p>you get nailed, and it just mooooved twice as far away as it was before because now youre upset, maybe confused, probably herding  and</p>

                        ********////BAM! <span class="caps">BAM</span>!  <span class="caps">KABOOM</span>!\\\\\*******

<p>&#8230;now  youre lying on the platform looking up at  twenty fingers, oh ok, there we go, only 5, now 6, now 7, now wait&#8230; is this a&#8230; but its only been&#8230; hey, i feel like eating lima beans. oh hi coach. what are you doing here? why are you speaking chinese?  i&#8217;m a misslefish. oh hi coach. wo ye shi zhonguo ren ma? hen youyisu, wo hui shou hanyu. oh, hi coach, hanyu nihongo de iieba chyugokugo. pomplemousse? </p>

<p>the point here is that you cant talk yourself into refined consciousness even if your life is at steak. if you try, you end up merely helping the <span class="caps">COW</span> to keep you distanced from it and the <span class="caps">LRC</span> wont even graze you.</p> 

<< prev page 47 next >>